Guilt
Wednesday I had the worst moment as a mom in my 27 months as a mom. The worst! In the morning we were shopping at BJ’s with my parents to get the stuff for the BBQ. She was acting a bit whiney and a little clingy with me and would only spend a few minutes with my parents before running to me. Shopping took a little longer than I wanted it to so the whole schedule was off. My dad cooked lunch and we ate downstairs. When we were finished, me and Sienna headed upstairs and at the same time, UPS came with a big heavy package for Yves. So I was trying to hustle the box up the stairs, get Sienna up the stairs and get Skippy inside as well and since we were behind schedule, trying to do it fast. I asked Sienna to close the door for me since I had the box. Well, she was hemming and hawing (which she is known to do) and just playing around with the door. And I know she knows how to close the door, she’s always doing it when you don’t want her to! Well, I got impatient and told her to come in and I went to close the door. She started crying after that. I thought she was crying because she wanted to close the door and I ended up doing it (which she is also known to do). So I went up the stairs with the box and let her cry it out and told her she could close the door another time, it’s no reason to cry. Well, she just continued bawling and I was like jeez, she must be really tired! What’s her problem? She usually doesn’t cry this long when she finally came up the stairs holding up her left hand. Ended up I closed the front door on her middle left finger!!!! And what I feel the most terrible about is that I didn’t even know it! Here I am scolding her for crying over nothing when she most certainly crying over something! And something so painful! She had a cut on her finger and her tip was all black and blue. She probably got the cut from pulling out her finger from the door jam since I was so oblivious about it. I felt the worst I have ever felt! I couldn’t believe I dismissed her like that and I took her for granted. Sure I feel bad about closing the door on her finger but that was nothing compared to the fact that I ignored her cries. She cried for a good half an hour (at least), the longest she ever cried about anything. After I cleaned it up and put a band-aid on, I rocked with her in her room where she ended up falling asleep. Now with that idle time as I am sitting there with her, I was just replaying the whole scene and I just started bawling myself. Real gobs of tears because I just felt so bad about it. Thinking, how could I have done this to her? I bawled some more when Yves came home (turns out I was PMSing too!) She seemed fine when she finally woke up from her nap. She told Yves that Mommy was crying today. Awww.
I’m never going to dismiss her cries again, that’s for sure!
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